Friday, October 13, 2006

Diary Entry.

so here i am crying over my mom again. it came from thinking something about the anniversary being in two weeks and, oddly enough, i think what did it was realizing that both halloween and new years are more or less ruined for me, not just for now but for the rest of my life (she died on october 29th and her birthday was january 1st). i had one bad night over the summer but i really thought i was done with this for awhile. apparently not, but i don't want to cry because now i don't have any friends to cry to. nobody wants to listen, i don't even want to listen. i've been doing this for two fucking years, and it brings back that one memory of two summers ago when i was in my apartment on shaw street looking for websites about suicidal mothers and came upon this one that was dedicated to a (paraphrasing) "really wonderful woman, my mother, who decided to take her own life 29 years ago" and i was like "TWENTY NINE YEARS???" and then i worried i'd be like this forever. and i know that to some degree i will be. and i don't want it anymore. jesus christ i'm crying now. it's only been two years nad i don't want it anymore. how am i going to feel in five? ten? i don't have anyone anymore. i can't evnn leave my room because my roommates will know i've been crying. so i'm stuck here, alone, crying, unable to study or focus on anything else but ym own issues and WHY DO I AHVE TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW? WHY ISN'T THER EANYONE TO CALL? WHY WHY WHY? I WANTED TOT MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. other people have to deal wtih so much and i can't even deal with this. i don't know how i can face this alone and it should have ALREADY BEEN DEALT WITH.

i wonder what laurie's up to. i'm weak-willed and unable to meet my commitments to those around me. i am going to turn out like my mother.

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