Wednesday, January 04, 2006

the "during" photos

alex djedovic, i am sorry that i was forced to log you out of blogspot. also, i will be borrowing your laptop occasionally, hopefully, over the next two days. i will treat her to hot chocolate and fuzzy peaches because i know that is what she likes and i'm just a seven year old girl who wants everyone to be happy here in narnia so i will buy treat her to these things.

i find the the most illuminating entries to read are my own past entries. bonnie posted about fifty million pictures of her online and i was stupid enough to look. it is difficult to muster any will to stay friends with her when i am aware how fucking good she always looks. i am not preoccupied with beauty, however, and i think the reason for that is that i am not beautiful. however, if i were i believe i would be though, and i certainly don't harbour ill will towards preoccupation with beauty from the beautiful. we all play to our talents, and i didn't do anything to deserve the ability to make people laugh, or write, or instantly memorize song lengths, or whatever else i do well. people have a somewhat bizarre resentment of the attractive (even if its easy to see where it comes from obv). if you spend an hour practicing guitar you're a hard worker and to be praised, but if you spend that time doing your hair you're that worst of all insults, "superficial". it's okay to want a boyfriend with a sense of humour but wanting one with nice hair is dirty and should be sneered at. riiight. we like nice looking landscapes, can't we like nice looking people? and no, most people aren't beautiful, but neither are most people, say, good artists or adept at making witty remarks on the spot. bitching about superficiality is pretty old is what i'm trying to say.

and now, why i will not go out with nikki: she's very sweet, and very cute, and she dies laughing at nearly everything i say. it's very nice and ego-boosting, and it makes her a very nice friend. she also never switches out of childlike mode, carries jokes on far too long, isn't remotely challenging intellectually, and could stand to lose a few pounds. plus i get the feeling she didn't really, genuinely dig my little episode with the nakedness and yelling at her friends at ALL. i will say this though: she makes me happy whenever i'm around her. my first month away from bonbon was entirely fun and laughter and games and i went to bed every night with that tired-from-laughing-so-much quietly contented feeling. i hope she sticks around and i don't fuck things up by getting drunk and doing something inexcusable or losing contact or (it's so rare we get to "worry" about this so let me enjoy it) sleeping with her. speaking of which, fuck me.


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